Posted by: breathliftlive | 12/02/2011

Resentment

Ok, honesty time.

If I am guilty of anything throughout all of this it’s resentment. To this day I think I’m still a little resentful and it’s something I need to learn to deal with. I’m sure it’s a normal thing, after all, dealing with the stress and hurt associated with your loved one’s gambling problem over long periods of time is more than enough to make a person angry.

The thing I have only just lately come to realise is that I guess I feel entitled. I have stood by Tim’s side through all of this, dealt with the lies, hurt, betrayal, stress, loss and every other emotion I can think of. I picked up the pieces when they broke, I did a lot of work to try and get him the help he needed (when a lot of time it really should of been him doing it), I lied to my family to hide his secret, I looked after (and still do) all the finances  and as embarrassed as I am to admit it I’ve been thinking “when is it my turn?”.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so incredibly proud of Tim and how far he has come. He has gone through hell and fought so hard at getting his life back and he’s done an amazing job and has become someone he should be proud of…. because we all are.

I’m a mother of a beautiful 2 year old son and it’s my responsibility to look after him and I love it. I just want someone to look after me sometimes. After the past years I feel entitled to get something back. I know this probably sounds quite selfish but I’m hoping you understand what I mean. I’ve looked after him for such a long time, when does it end?

I know the whole issue of gambling will be with us forever. It is a day by day thing. Whether I should or not and whether it’s just become habit for me but I still hold my breath when Tim has money. I still question him occasionally on where it was spent or on what. Again, I probably shouldn’t and I’m working on that. We need to work together to ensure he’s not in a situation where temptation could take over. We need to work together on talking about it, not to just push it under the rug because things are going well. As much as I wish it were never mentioned again it will be and has to be. One thing I can say I have improved on is bringing up the past. At times I used it as ammunition in arguments, like ‘nothing I did would ever be as bad as what you’ve done’. That’s not fair but it’s what I did. I can’t say I don’t sometimes think that way but I’m saying it less.

The resentment issue is mine and it’s for me to deal with and I will. I know I need to focus on the positives and that at present, we’re doing well.  In time I’m sure I’ll resent him and the situation less but for now it’s a work in progress.

I’d love to hear from you so comment below or send me an email to breathliftlive@hotmail.com

Kate x

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Responses

  1. Wonderful information, refreshing blog layout, stick to the good work

    • Thank you so much for your comment, I appreciate you taking the time to visit my blog and letting me know what you think.

      Kate


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